Starting Over

I’m ready to start again. I know… I’ve been away for a while. I’ve been doing some soul searching and trying to let go of some guilt that really didn’t belong to me. A little over two years’ ago I fell in love with a man who I realize now I didn’t really know. I thought I did. I am a pretty intuitive person and feel like I can read people, but it’s clear to me now that I read this all wrong and it’s time to let go of the lie.

He was married. He was married and he didn’t tell me until six months into the relationship after I had surrendered my heart to him. I realize now that it wasn’t him I surrendered my heart to…. It was WHO I WANTED HIM TO BE. And, that is what I have to let go of today. I have gone through every emotion over this lie. I have felt guilt that belongs to him not me. I have felt sadness at a love that belonged to someone else not this person I thought I knew. And, I grieved for something lost that was real in my heart, but mine alone. It’s time to let go.

I am letting go of the guilt. I am letting go of the lies. I am letting go of the shame. I am letting go of the love that was in my heart — and I am going to find a new place for that love to live. It’s time.

Nine years ago, I was the wife who was cheated on by her husband, and I never would have chosen this path to be on the other side of that equation. He chose this path for me and it was never his right to. I don’t know why God put me in this place, but I know now that I will never again sacrifice my integrity in a relationship with myself or anyone else.

It’s time to clean house.

We all make mistakes. Some are chosen for us, and some we walk straight into with full knowing. But, I am forgiving myself today and letting go of the past. It is the only way to walk tall into the future.

For those of you out there hanging on to guilt or shame… it’s time. It’s time to let it go and not let it define who you are today or tomorrow. Love yourself enough right now to let it go and live today like it’s your first day.

Happy birthday to me. Today is my first day. I am ready.

Love and Light,

P.S.  About an hour after posting this, this came through on my Facebook feed.  Thank you for the validation that I am on the right path. Blessings.

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When FEAR takes over

We all fight with fear every day.  It’s OK to be afraid.  It’s part of our human programming. But, we can learn to experience fear in a healthy way. Here is how I have managed through my fears in the past.  Perhaps you will find this process helpful in managing through the fears you face on your journey as well.

STEP 1: Determine the Source of Your Fear

It’s important to understand if your fear is based on reality or illusion. The definition of FEAR can sometimes be “False Expectations Appearing Real”.

Our intuition makes us experience fear to protect us from dangerous situations.  This is the fear we need to pay attention to and maybe back up a little, or change direction to keep ourselves safe.

Other times our brains create a set of illusions about what we think is happening in our lives, when in reality the truth is something completely different. We do this a lot when we think people will judge us for our choices or actions, even before we take them.  So, we allow our fear to stop us in our tracks… rather than trusting ourselves enough to move forward.

I was texting with a friend the other night who admitted to me later that he was allowing his fear stop him from moving forward in his life. Don’t let your life pass you by because of fear.

Me:  “What are you doing?”
Friend: “Watching the game.”
Me: “Enjoy the game.”
Friend:  “Just trying to make the time go by.”
Me: “That’s really sad.”
Friend: “I realized it when I wrote it.”
Me: “What happens when your time runs out?”

STEP 2: Decide “What is the Worst That Can Happen?”

My friend is in the middle of some major life changes, and rather than make a choice that other people might not agree with, he is choosing to do nothing.  None of us have to live this way.

I had a counselor ask me two important questions in my early 20s that have stayed with me.  These questions have allowed me to move through my fears and not allow them to stop me from living.

Q1: “What is the worst thing that could happen?”
Q2: “What would you do about it?”

Ask yourself these questions. Understanding that you can survive the worst possible outcome… makes any situation easier to face.  It helps remove the paralyzing fear some of us create for ourselves, and gives us back control over the outcome.

STEP 3: Move Forward with Faith and Trust

Once you have explored whether a fear is reality based, or an illusion… and you have decided what the worst outcome would be, you can take back control over what happens next.  You do this through faith and trust.. in yourself and the universe, higher power, God, wherever you place your faith.  Walk through the fear…. and get to the other side.  Let it go… and live your life.

Love and Light,


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Having Expectations Means Expressing Faith and Trust

I woke up at 2:22am to a loud voice in my head saying “You need to Google the word ‘expectations’. It will help you find what you are looking for.”  I mean, I was wide awake in less than 30 seconds and grabbing my iPhone off the nightstand to follow the instructions forcefully placed into my consciousness.

Let me give you a little background to help set the stage.  You see I have been dating someone for nearly five months and he said to me recently that he felt pressured by the relationship, and asked me “Why do there have to be any expectations?”.

And, because I am the type to ponder questions like this rather than throw out a simple response of “I don’t know.” and move on…  I internalized the question and it bothered me for nearly two weeks.  I understand what he was trying to say intuitively, but it still bothered me. I was already invested in this guy.  Of course I had expectations… and why was he making this out to be a bad thing?

When I asked him what his expectations were, he responded that he supposes he had no expectations… which is completely untrue.  He may not have seen it the way I did, but I am sure that he had some expectations (like the ones below) and didn’t realize that’s what they were:

  • When he sent me a text message he expected me to respond in a reasonable amount of time.
  • When we both had time available and he was in town he expected to spend the evening with me with little to no planning or notice.
  • When he was habitually one or even two hours late to our evening plans, he expected me not to be upset and still be ok with seeing him and not complaining.
  • When he would disappear and I wouldn’t hear from him for days at a time he would expect me to be ok with his silence and not to be concerned he might be lying in a ditch somewhere.

In my query I was guided to this article:  

It made things very clear for me. What I found in this article is that “expectation” is the same energy/meaning as “trust and faith”, and without expectation there can be no trust or faith.

“…that the word “trust” in the King James version is the same word that we are currently studying, the word “expectation”.

“…Notice Hebrews 10:23. “Let us hold fast the confession of our expectation without wavering; (for he is faithful that promised).” The King James translation employs the word “faith” but it is not the Greek word pistis which is usually translated “faith”. The word here is the one I have been sharing, the word “expectation”. ”

I am also a firm believer in co-creating your reality, which is directly related to the practice of finding gratitude for those things you want to bring more of into your life…

“…This is also a tremendous key: if you are really expecting something, thank the Father for it. Keep thanking Him until it becomes reality.”

Well, one thing that he might NOT HAVE EXPECTED was when he texted me recently with this message: “I would like our status to Just be friends” that I would not respond.  So, perhaps I have now proven to him that maybe he did have some expectations after all.

So, two nights before I received this text from him, I awoke in the middle of the night by this guidance to Google “expectations”.  As a result I learned something really important.

I hope that one day he realizes that having expectations is part of co-creating the reality that you want, and without them you are sort of living life on “pause” and not really living.  And, if you have no expectations from a relationship you have no faith or trust that it’s going anywhere.  “Why do there have to be any expectations?” is probably not a good question to ask someone who might have been emotionally invested in you.

Love and Light,

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