One of my New Year Resolutions was to start to open my metaphorical closet door. I vowed to slowly open that door and reveal a little bit more to the world and let a little bit more of the world into my life. I realized that I have been very isolated, by choice, in my world. Throughout my adult life I have gone to great lengths to insulate myself and my family in a giant bubble of protection, taking care not to let in anyone or anything that felt threatening, whether justified or not. As a result of this isolation, or hiding, I have missed out on a whole lot of living and I have kept some of those who have meant so much to me throughout my life from knowing and loving my family.
So, that leads me to some questions. First, when do I open the door and how much do I step out? How far do I have to open it to be satisfied? What am I so afraid of and what or whom am I hiding from? Darn this is hard! So many questions and not nearly enough answers! As I sat down to really put myself under the microscope and sort through my “junk”, I realized that the things I have been hiding from for so long are no longer threats. I realized that I have been running and hiding for so long that it has just become habit rather than necessity. I finally realized that those things I ran from at one time could no longer hurt or threaten me. I control me and I decide what comes in and what goes out now. It was energizing and empowering to wake up and realize that I am stronger mentally and physically than ever before. I am wise and rationale. I am brave and I have overcome! I have overcome!
As a child, my mother used to tell me that there was nothing to fear but fear itself. I don’t think I ever fully understand that. I do now. I realize now that I have conditioned myself to be so afraid of fear (the unknown), that I sort of stopped living in a sense. Don’t get me wrong. I have lived a fabulous life but because of fears or hurts from the past that I never let go of, I haven’t lived this life to its fullest and I have missed out on some great times and some great friendships as well as some great opportunities. Well, I’m tired of missing out and I’m tired of fear and I’m tired of hiding and frankly, it’s a little dark in this closet. Here I am. I love life. I’m flawed. I’m human. I may regress at times but I have promised myself that those times will be merely moments and then I will be back in the light because the dark is no place to live.
Driving in the car I heard a song by Tenth Avenue North, “Healing Begins”. As I consumed the lyrics I realized that I was ready to be healed…
Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won’t disappear
So let it fall down
There’s freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We’re here now
This is where the healing begins
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you’re broken within
The light meets the dark
Last week I messing around on Facebook and found a friend whom I haven’t talked to in many years. I “friended” her but had to attach a note to her with my maiden name to be sure she would know it was me. That moment was enlightening. The first step out of the closet for me was to add my maiden on Facebook. That may seem small to you, but for me it was an enormous feat. The enormity of it wasn’t lost on one of my “besties”. In fact, less than a day later I received a text from her asking me if she saw that correctly! Yes! Yes, she did! The dogs are unleashed. The tide has turned. The closet door is open and I am out…with both feet!
With Love and Light,