Two Halves Sometimes Create a Hole

It’s challenging being single in your Forties, especially after being part of a relationship for a very long time and then suddenly not (even after 10 plus years go by – it never really gets easier, it just becomes part of your new routine).

Let’s talk about that word “relationship”. Relationships come in all shapes and sizes, and meet different needs for different people. Some are in relationships where they are not getting their needs met, but choose to hang on — because not being in a relationship is scarier than sitting quietly next to someone who is familiar, but will never have the capacity to ever meet their needs.

This is where two halves create a HOLE.

I was talking with a friend today who said something that resonated so deeply with me that I had to share it. Before my conversation with her, I was thinking to myself that no one likes it when a relationship doesn’t work. Sometimes it leaves us feeling like we must have failed, or that something is wrong with us or the other person. When the truth of the matter is that no matter how hard you think you want to love something or someone, the shear desire of “wanting it” can’t make it happen. It’s like building a jigsaw puzzle and coming across two pieces that look like they should fit… but no matter how hard you try and smash them together, they never will go together in a clean way. Something will always be off.

Sure, I want to be wanted, but I will not settle for a relationship with someone who desires me, but doesn’t have the capacity to love without condition, to listen and really hear me, to know inherently when I am having a bad day and offer to give me a hand to make it better, to wrap their arms around me and make me feel a part of something bigger, to be fully present and experience life with me.

My friend says to me “The world is full of people who sit next to each other every day and want to feel like they are with someone, but in fact they are sitting alone”.  Again, this is where two halves create a HOLE. Today I have discovered that I don’t want to be sitting next to someone who will never be able to meet my needs in a relationship. I will choose someone who makes me feel part of something bigger and not part of a hole.

I am unique and entirely whole on my own. Today I choose to be part of something bigger and leave the “other” hole behind. It no longer serves me.

Love and Light,
Lydia

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There Is Clarity in the Emptiness

I am the kind of person who has trouble doing “nothing”. In the past few days I have consumed a lot of content that has led me to a light bulb moment this morning.  I don’t know much about Buddhism, but I believe it’s about quieting the mind and finding stillness.  I know now that most times I avoid being still with purpose.  I find something to pick up and work with my hands like crochet or quilting, or I occupy my mind with a game of solitaire on my smart phone.

I read a funny article yesterday that women and men are different, because most women can’t just do “nothing” and it frustrates them with how easy the men in their lives can just do “nothing” and do it often. What I realized this morning is that doing “nothing” is important, but maybe in my case I need to do it with more purpose.

When we take the time to do “nothing”, we allow ourselves to sit in a space of “stillness” or what a lot of people call “mindfulness”.  But, I think it’s the opposite for me. My place of “mindfulness” is actually a clearing of the distractions in my mind that keep me from being focused on my authentic reality.  Not the noise around me, but the voices within. I have realized that when I quiet my mind and go into that place of “doing nothing”, I can actually hear what I need to hear from my authentic self.  The “emptiness” in my mind begins to fill with real authentic thoughts and feelings about where my life is today, what I need and want, without the distractions of what society or my social circles want or need from me.

When I take the time to “empty” the noise from my mind, I can refill my bucket with the things that matter most to my authentic self, and in turn live a better and more purposeful life for me and those around me.

Today I am grateful for the quiet. The emptiness. The promise of filling my bucket with the things that matter, and will make a difference for me and the people I love.

I am thankful for the clarity.

Love and Light,
Lydia

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You Know You Are Alive When…

You know you’re alive when you feel that pressure in your chest that tells you your heart has been broken, when you feel a little sick at your stomach but not sure what it means, and yet you know you have to keep moving forward because looking back is not a safe option anymore.

I woke up this morning with a knowing in my heart. Actually it started last night. That feeling you get when you know things in your life are shifting. Like those pictures of the icebergs we see on the National Geographic Channel. Things start to splinter and all you can do is hang on, not knowing where the shift will take us, but we know exactly where we have been.

In my previous post I announced I was letting go of a toxic relationship. I consciously decided that I would no longer be emotionally attached to that which did not serve my highest good. That part was easy. Even when I received a text from him on his birthday. He said he wanted to be sure I didn’t forget. I wished him well and let it go… until he asked if I was dating. Then I decided there was no right answer to that question, and quite frankly it was not his business so I ended the communication.

My intuition is very strong. I know in my heart he is seeing another woman. They were together/together last night, and I am pretty sure she doesn’t know he is married. It hurts in my heart chakra this morning. And, maybe it’s his guilt I am feeling. Who knows.

I have spent the past 12 hours (in and out of sleep) wondering why all the sudden this feeling is back, and what I have decided is this… There is someone new coming into my life. I feel that too. And, maybe I needed that one last reminder that I deserve someone who can give me the unconditional love and respect I deserve. Someone who can be fully present in my life. My heart hurts this morning, but I know this.. I know I am alive. I know I can love again, and this time it’s going to be the real deal. No strings attached. No other people in the room… just us two.

The thought of that makes me smile, even though my heart hurts. That pain in my heart is a gentle reminder that I am capable of love, and I will love again because I know that I am alive and living authentically. I don’t have to pretend or lie to myself anymore about what’s really going on. I will love — and I will love in an authentic space, and I am looking forward to it enormously.

Love and Light,
Lydia

 

 

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