The Hidden Blessings in Being “With Myself”

Posted on March 21, 2012 by Lydia

I refuse to use the word “alone” to describe the times when I am “with myself”. The word “alone” has so many negative connotations to it including the word “lonely”. But, who says you have to be “lonely” when you are with yourself. Some of my favorite, most memorable moments in my life were spent with myself.

I love to go the movies with myself. I get to pick what I want to see. I can order the largest popcorn and soda… and if I get full and don’t finish it all, I am ok with that too. I get to pick where I sit, which is usually a couple rows from the back in the middle. And, guess what…it’s much easier to find one seat in the best part of the theatre even if you come in a little late. Love that.

When I was married, my then husband hated the symphony so we never went. I even had free tickets one night from work. So, I went home and got all dressed up to suprise him and when he got home from work his response was, “I am sorry you got all dressed up, but I am not at all interested in going to the symphony… even if it is free”. After we were divorced one of the first things I did on a Friday evening was drive myself down to will call at the symphony and bought myself a single seat in the third row, center. What an amazing evening that was. I closed my eyes and dissappeared into the beautiful music and enjoyed the company of “me”.

These days, I spend the majority of my non-working time with my son. He is with his dad four days and eight nights each month. I love my son, but I treasure those moments with myself because they are few and far between.

I try to steal 15 mins each morning before he wakes to enjoy the first moments of my day with a cup of coffee in the quiet of the house… in my favorite chair with my thoughts. I contemplate my goals for the day and set my intentions for success, happiness, peace, joy and love. It’s the perfect way to clear my head of the chaos of the previous day and night, and focus on experiencing the coming day with good intent.

Each night before I turn my light off to go to sleep, I try and steal another 15 minutes to reflect on the day with myself. I think about the challenges I faced that day and how I responded to them. Most times I am happy with my response, but when I am not I replay those scenarios in my head and change the outcome to a more positive one. Sometimes I have the opportunity to live the experience again and when I do I use that “practice session” to change the outcome in real time and am grateful for having a second chance to do so.

I have grown to cherish the time I spend with myself. I get to do all the things I love, eat whatever I want, turn the music up as loud as I want to, and dance around the house without anyone thinking I have lost my marbles. I sing at the top of my lungs until I lose my voice. I can watch 12 hours (or more) of Lifetime Television Movie network without anyone complaining.

I have found a lot of blessings in being with myself. For that… I am grateful. And, when the universe decides to bless me with a new partner for the rest of my journey, I will still steal away for a movie every now and then… but, it will be nice to also have someone sitting next to me. For now I will enjoy my morning coffee with myself and pray for the right partner who also appreciates a little “myself time” every now and then. Someone who understands that being with ourselves keeps us grounded and allows us to enjoy life to its fullest and not just those things we have in common with someone else who shares our space for a while.

Love and Light,
Lydia

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What You See Is Not Always What I See

Posted on February 18, 2012 by Lydia

I’ve been struggling lately because someone I care about is having a hard time understanding that we all see the world through a different set of eyes, and it’s causing a serious breakdown in communication.  I appreciate that most times we see things the same, and yet we have entirely different views of the world around us at times.  This very thing gives us common ground to build a foundation on, but also provides a situation for us both to grow and learn more about ourselves and each other.

Based on our previous life experiences, good or bad, we each formulate our personal perceptions of what is occurring around us.  We take mental pictures and the pictures I come away with in my mind are not going to look the same as the pictures in anyone else’s mind, because no one can be forever standing in the same set of shoes at the same time.

When I first met my now ex-husband, we had a very interesting date that opened my eyes to this concept of “differing perceptions”.  We both had art degrees and knew how to use all the manual settings on our cameras.  So, one Saturday afternoon we headed into an old cemetery in my college town.  After a couple hours of wandering through the headstones, massive memorials, and park benches that sunny afternoon, we took our black and white rolls of film to a lab to get contact sheets.  That night, we sat and compared what we saw.  It was a very interesting.

Even though we both took pictures of some of the same objects, they were always different.  Different angles of pointing the camera resulted in the same scene appearing entirely different on film.  But, what was even more interesting was that even though we had different images on the paper, they all were compelling and told a story.  Each image…  each different perspective was beautiful and told a story.

What we both came away with that day was this… Even though we had different images on paper, different perspectives on what we saw, we both had a lot of respect for the art we created that day. 

We all see the world differently.  It doesn’t mean one person’s perception of a situation is right or wrong, good or bad, it just means it’s different and should be respected as different.  After all, if we all saw the world the same way, there wouldn’t be any creativity, inventions, or new ideas.  As my son would say, we would all be zombies (or sheep as some would say).  And, what kind of life would that be.   

What you see is not always going to be what others around you see, and that’s ok.  However, in order for it to be ok, we all should have respect for each other’s perspective of the world, and honor the art each of us creates through our life experiences.  Thinking differently is good.  It keeps us alive and aware.  It opens our minds to new possibilities every day.

Love and Light,
Lydia

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Finding and Living an Authentic Life

Posted on February 16, 2012 by Lydia

Several years ago I made a very important choice in my life — one that would entirely change my perspective of who I was and how I fit into the world around me.  I chose to begin living my life authentically.  I could never have predicted what the total impact that decision would have on my life experience from that moment forward.

I knew that not everyone in my current sphere of friends, family, or coworkers would appreciate my new approach to living, but I felt it was too critical to my journey toward self-acceptance.

I consumed stacks of self-help books on relationships, and spent months in therapy (several times in fact) trying to discover why I kept finding myself in self-sabatoging situations.  All of the content I consumed led me to the same conclusion.  I needed to love myself first before anyone else could love me in a genuine way.  Because, if I continued to focus on trying to do things that I thought made the people around me accept me… it wasn’t the “real” me they were accepting.  It was someone I thought they wanted me to be.  And, I found myself wondering a couple things… who was I really, and did I really like who I was? 

I explored this time of introspection by making lists.  Lists that were titled: 

  • Character traits I expect from my friends. 
  • Character traits I expect from my family. 
  • Character traits I expect from my coworkers.
  • Character traits I expect from my partner.

After I did that exercize, I sat with my lists for a while.  I really pondered how I wanted to be treated by the people around me, in all aspects of my life…. all types of relationships in my life. Then I did the hard part… I went through each character trait on that list, and I asked myself if I was exuding these character traits to the people I identified in my lists.  In other words, if I expect this behavior from the people around me, was I behaving that way towards them? 

If not, why should I expect them to treat me how I wanted them to?

This was a very enlightening exercize for me, and made me realize I had to make some changes in how I interacted with others in all aspects of my life if I expected people to reciprocate.

I know this doesn’t seem like it relates to the topic of “authentic living”, and it only will if you are truthful with yourself during this process, and how well you deliver behaviors you expect from others.

After this period of introspection, I started to make changes in how I related to others, and I saw an amazing shift in how people responded to me.  They treated me with more respect (because I delivered more respect).  They told me the truth in a compassionate manner (because I began to be more truthful about my feelings and what my boundaries were).  They accepted and embraced my flaws (because I opened my eyes to the fact that when people are comfortable with their flaws, they are more beautiful and amazing than someone who pretends to be perfect… their version of perfect).

Amazing things started to happen when I became more authentic.  I liked myself more, and the people who stayed with me through this process are more authentic with me.  It’s created an environment in my life of mutual respect and acceptance that I never had before. 

Sure there will be some people who may not like the “authentic” you, but keep this in mind — “like” mirrors “like”.  So, as you grow into the authentic you, you will attract people into your life who mirror the traits you demonstrate towards others.

Love and Light,
Lydia

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Love is in the Air….

Posted on February 13, 2012 by Florence

Love is in the air and not just the romantic kind. Later this week I will be heading to the airport to pick my momma up so she can spend a long weekend with us. Shhh! Please don’t tell my ten year old, it’s a surprise. I sort of think of this as a belated Valentine’s gift to our family. I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am to pull up at his school in carpool line with my secret magic trick in the passenger seat waiting to greet him. I’m mentally planning all of the things we are going to do but I can’t lie, we will never get to those elusive day trips, fabulous restaurants or tear jerking movies. Alas, ‘tis the life with a very busy child! Instead, we will go to taekwondo, a lacrosse game, a basketball game and two different two-hour lacrosse practices. But you wanna know another secret? It is going to be fabulous!

My mom and I talk. That’s what we do. Almost like clockwork, I call my mom first thing in the morning. Sometimes it is a quick three-minute or less call. Sometimes it is a forty-five minute call. Then, I generally call her again late in the afternoon. Did I mention that I might call another two, three or four times in between if I think of something else I need to tell her? So this trip, we will talk. She will make one of my favorite meals…again, shhh! I haven’t exactly told her that yet! Then, we will talk non-stop some more. My sweet hubby will nod a lot. He will go to the store before her arrival and make sure that she has her favorite M&M candy treats, hugs and warm greetings all around and then he will retreat. He never wants to interfere. Now, let me be the first to tell you, he NEVER interferes! Yet, I love and appreciate that he appreciates the time mom and I want to spend together.

Did I mention how excited my child will be when he sees his “papa”? Papa you ask? Why, yes, yes he does call her papa. Always has and always will, I hope. So this picture I have painted of these fabulous talks with wine and snacks are really a mirage in my brain as well. The real deal is that between all of the sporting activities, my son will dominate and monopolize every living, breathing and waking second with his papa. He will make her sit and watch him play a video game. He will play card game after card game with her! He will talk her ear off about anything and everything…did I mention that my son didn’t fall far from his momma’s tree? He will make her stand in the cold and watch him chase the dogs and vice versa. He will take her outside and try to teach her all of the intricacies of the game of lacrosse. He will also sit her down and try to persuade her of all of the injustices that his daddy and I have bestowed upon him. And, you know what? My mom will eat up every single millisecond that she has to spend with this boy.

As I have said, love is on my mind. The love between grandchild and grandparent is undeniable, unbreakable and untouchable. I am so entirely bottom of my heart grateful that my son is so close to his papas and that they are here to love him with their whole hearts and allow themselves to be loved with this boy’s mammoth heart in return. My in-laws, or papas, live a short bike ride away and in addition to the other ten times each week that we see each other, we always have Sunday family dinner together. My boy calls his other papas, my dad and step mom, often and keeps them on the phone for a good hour, which is crazy because my dad just doesn’t talk that much! Then, he calls his other set of papas, my momma and step dad, and pours his little heart out again. It’s beautiful and glorious. It’s love. This boy is the blood and flesh of all these people and each one loves him as much as the next.

As cancer battles rage on and age continues to creep up on every one of us, I will cherish these times that my boy has with his papas. They each have lessons to teach him and stories to share. They’ll talk and they’ll love and then we will all talk a little more. Most of all, they each have so much love to embrace this little boy with whether it be in the flesh, through the telephone or via the computer and each encounter will begin and end with a simple yet profound “I love you”.

With Love and Grace,
Florence

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A Time to Speak… A Time to Listen

Posted on February 7, 2012 by Lydia

As we get older, we like to believe we have all the answers.  What we need to understand is throughout our lifetime, there will be times when we will be the teacher… and other times the student.  There will be times when we will need to speak up, and when we need to quiet our minds and just listen.

The Teacher

Being the teacher requires us to share our experiences with others so that they can grow and become more enlightened, empathetic, grateful, loving, understanding, truthful… the list of lessons goes on.  It’s not always easy being the teacher, especially when the lessons are difficult ones and/or the student believes they already have all the answers… or just flat out refuses to learn.

The teacher delivers the lesson with the best intent, which ultimately is to help the student gain a new perspective on their life, one that will help them connect better with others and the world around them. 

Teachers have a difficult role.  Because every student comes with a different perspective and set of experiences.  Some learn through words being spoken, some through pictures being drawn, and others through hands-on experience. The Universe provides teachers to us in different forms.  Teachers may be complete strangers, family members, friends, coworkers, or social connections.  The list goes on.

It is important when you find yourself in the role of the teacher (whether by choice or not) you understand the importance of what you say and do.  To use your words and actions with intent, yet with compassion, non-judgement, and encouragement to get your point across gently yet with conviction.  Because what you are teaching must be conveyed with both importance and expected reward, or consequence, depending upon how it is received by the student. 

The Student

When we are put into the role of the student, we may not always like what our teachers are trying to get us to learn.  In some cases, we may be bored with it, or go directly to a place of denial, telling ourselves this is not our lesson to learn because we know it already.  Well, honestly if we already know it… then perhaps the problem is that we have not yet put what we know into practice.  So, this is a refresher course…. even more important to be still and listen. 

In other cases, we may be offended because the lesson requires us to admit that we have made a mistake that has caused not so pleasant consequences for both us and those around us.  We have to admit that we have been doing something that doesn’t contribute to the best interest of all involved… and that may be difficult for any of us. 

It doesn’t matter whether this indiscretion has been going on for a long time, or was a single occurrence. It doesn’t matter if it was committed with intent or by accident.  The consequences of the action still occurred…  resulting in an opportunity for us to learn something.

Listen up.  Here comes the important part.

Whether teacher or student, always be grateful for the lesson.  Accept it, move through it, experience it and graduate from it.  If you don’t, it will come back to you through someone else in some other place and time in your life.  If you face it, you can be done with it and hopefully not have to face it again.  If it does happen to come around again, know this… it will always be easier the next time around because you’ve been there before.

Love and Light,
Lydia

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Put Your Mask on First — When Giving Can Be Destructive

Posted on January 31, 2012 by Lydia

Growing up in a Protestant family, we were taught all about how giving was meant to bring you fulfillment and joy.  Giving made us feel like we were helping.  But, when the giving no longer brought us fulfillment and joy, but only caused us pain and frustration… maybe it was a sign that it was time to stop.

I fell madly in love when I was 25. We were extremely compatible and had the same goals. At the time I didn’t think it mattered much that he was not in any way spiritual.  He didn’t believe in God or anything spiritual really.  I thought that it didn’t matter because I did.  I always had a place to turn.  13 years later I woke up and realized that it wasn’t enough.  That I had slowly put my spirituality on the back burner because it wasn’t a part of his world, so it left a gigantic (ginormous these days) hole in my world.  I became a hardened person who didn’t practice grace and understanding to the degree I had before. I did it all in the name of love.  Well, I thought that was it anyway.

I woke up 13 years later and realized I didnt like myself very much.  I was selfish, ungrateful, and sometimes downright mean to people because I saw them as inferior and just “not getting it”.  That I deserved more than they did because I worked harder and I gave more of myself than I saw other people giving.  Of course I deserved more (duh).  Life was a “give and take” and I gave more, so I deserved to have more.  Whether people wanted to give it to me or not, and when they decided not to give it to me, I got angry and vindictive. 

I totally missed the reason for giving, but I had been “re-programmed” by someone who was always taking.  Taking from me.  I also lost what it meant to receive with a feeling of gratefulness and not entitlement. I know now that we are given everything we need when our focus is in the right place, but that’s another topic for another day.  

One of my biggest problems in those 13 years was that I gave my entire self (soul) away, to the point where there was NOTHING left for me.  It happened gradually.  Small things first like types of food I liked, but he didn’t.  Big things later like connecting with other spiritually-minded people. My life goals didnt even really feel like mine anymore.  Dreams of being a Chief Marketing Officer just did not even appeal to me at all, even though I had carefully designed each step in my career path to get exactly there.  I woke up thinking “who is this person, what the hell am I doing, and where am I going with all this?”

Lots of big questions.  I realized that I was putting all my energy in trying to keep my partner happy, and not paying attention to anything else including myself.  I realized this the day my son was born. His dad showed up at the hospital sick.  He told me that I picked a bad time for this baby to be born because he was sick and he had all kinds of work he needed to be doing at the office.  MAJOR LIGHTBULB FLASHING ABOVE MY HEAD.  Wow.  And, in typical fashion… I honestly felt bad.  I felt guilty for about 30 seconds.  Then, I put my energy into my son (still not into me, but eventually I figured it out).

My friend always reminds me that we have to take care of ourselves first, or there won’t be anything left for the people we love.  She always follows that up with “there’s a reason they tell you to put the oxygen mask on your face first, then help those next to you.” when you are on the airplane.  Because if the stuff hits the fan, and you don’t put yours on first, everyone else will be dead including you because you died due to a lack of oxygen trying to help them. 

Some things to think about:

  • When you give so much that you give up on yourself and your dreams… you are giving too much. 
  • When you sacrifice the core of who you are to make someone else feel more comfortable… you are giving too much.
  • When you are giving to someone who responds in a negative way because it’s never enough, or it’s the wrong thing… you are giving too much. 
  • When you find yourself mistreating or neglecting others you care for because you have no more left to give to the people who care about you… you are giving too much. 
  • When the rest of your life starts to fall apart because you are so focused on giving to someone else… you are giving too much. 

In therapy this need to give until it hurts is called “codepency”.  Google it.  There are all kinds of books, articles, whatever way you like to absorb material… there is plenty out there.  My one take away from all my “codependency” exploration through therapy was something called “healthy detachment”.  You can Google that too.  Basically, what you will find is the importance of healthy boundaries in any and all relationships. And when you give everything to someone else, you are robbing them of the experiences they are meant to have in this lifetime.  Not only are you cheating yourself, you are cheating them too. 

In the name of love… put your mask on first, then help the ones next to you.  Don’t risk the entire plane going down because you are “reacting” to a situation rather than “directing” it down a healthy path where everyone is responsible for themselves first.

Love and Light,
Lydia

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Out of the Closet with Both Feet!

Posted on January 11, 2012 by Florence

One of my New Year Resolutions was to start to open my metaphorical closet door. I vowed to slowly open that door and reveal a little bit more to the world and let a little bit more of the world into my life. I realized that I have been very isolated, by choice, in my world. Throughout my adult life I have gone to great lengths to insulate myself and my family in a giant bubble of protection, taking care not to let in anyone or anything that felt threatening, whether justified or not. As a result of this isolation, or hiding, I have missed out on a whole lot of living and I have kept some of those who have meant so much to me throughout my life from knowing and loving my family.

So, that leads me to some questions. First, when do I open the door and how much do I step out? How far do I have to open it to be satisfied? What am I so afraid of and what or whom am I hiding from? Darn this is hard! So many questions and not nearly enough answers! As I sat down to really put myself under the microscope and sort through my “junk”, I realized that the things I have been hiding from for so long are no longer threats. I realized that I have been running and hiding for so long that it has just become habit rather than necessity. I finally realized that those things I ran from at one time could no longer hurt or threaten me. I control me and I decide what comes in and what goes out now. It was energizing and empowering to wake up and realize that I am stronger mentally and physically than ever before. I am wise and rationale. I am brave and I have overcome! I have overcome!

As a child, my mother used to tell me that there was nothing to fear but fear itself. I don’t think I ever fully understand that. I do now. I realize now that I have conditioned myself to be so afraid of fear (the unknown), that I sort of stopped living in a sense. Don’t get me wrong. I have lived a fabulous life but because of fears or hurts from the past that I never let go of, I haven’t lived this life to its fullest and I have missed out on some great times and some great friendships as well as some great opportunities. Well, I’m tired of missing out and I’m tired of fear and I’m tired of hiding and frankly, it’s a little dark in this closet. Here I am. I love life. I’m flawed. I’m human. I may regress at times but I have promised myself that those times will be merely moments and then I will be back in the light because the dark is no place to live.

Driving in the car I heard a song by Tenth Avenue North, “Healing Begins”. As I consumed the lyrics I realized that I was ready to be healed…

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won’t disappear

So let it fall down
There’s freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We’re here now
This is where the healing begins
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you’re broken within
The light meets the dark

Last week I messing around on Facebook and found a friend whom I haven’t talked to in many years. I “friended” her but had to attach a note to her with my maiden name to be sure she would know it was me. That moment was enlightening. The first step out of the closet for me was to add my maiden on Facebook. That may seem small to you, but for me it was an enormous feat. The enormity of it wasn’t lost on one of my “besties”. In fact, less than a day later I received a text from her asking me if she saw that correctly! Yes! Yes, she did! The dogs are unleashed. The tide has turned. The closet door is open and I am out…with both feet!

With Love and Light,
Florence

Posted in Change, Choice, Courage, Destiny, Faith, Family, Fear, Forgiveness, Gratitude, grief, Growth, Letting Go, Self, Trust, Visual Signs | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Time to Release Our Fears and Manifest Change and Greatness

Posted on December 31, 2011 by Lydia

It’s a new year.  That means a lot of different things to each of us.  Primarily it means leaving another year behind, but more importantly getting a fresh start on something new.  Here is an exercise I go through each new years eve.  I write my lists and then I burn them with some sage and release them into the universe to work it’s magic on them.

List #1: Accomplishments

Every new year I go through this exercise in the hour before midnight.  I look back at the things I accomplished, lesson learned in both the experiences that served me in a positive way and those that appeared to not be so positive. 

The odd thing is that it’s all perspective.  Even those things that I feel were not serving me in a good way, taught me some lessons about myself.  I have a pretty strong mirror in the people closest to me, and those just passing through.  If I look closely enough, each one taught me something about myself through our interactions and experiences.  The key is to dig deep, examine them all, and be willing to listen.

Those times when people just pushed your buttons, they got in your way of getting things done, or better yet did things completely wrong (in your perception).  The times when people acted first before completely thinking through the consequences of their actions, to which you were the beneficiary of the bad results.  The times when people assumed you were on the same page as they were, when in reality they never shared with you their thoughts or feelings about it, which resulted in a bad situation as a result of a lack of communication.  Sound familiar?  Look at this list and see if there were times when you were the perpetrator…. and not the victim.  It is hard to see ourselves as the one creating the issues, but until we become aware that we are… we cannot correct our behaviour.

List #2: Lessons Learned Through Others

Today I will put together my list of things that I celebrated in the past year, but the other list I will write will contain the things people have done this year that have caused me pain, frustration and sadness.  Because, I am pretty certain that I have done all of these things to other people without realizing it.  It’s time to come clean and learn from them or I am certain that I will have the same experiences repeating themselves in the coming year.

List #3: Manifesting Greatness in the Year to Come

The third list I will make will be those things I pray for in the coming year.  The ones I want to manifest into my life.  That one is the easiest for most of us to write.  It’s pretty obvious to most of us… lose weight, get healthy, manage my money better, spend more time with friends and family, and have better work/life balance… easy stuff.

The one at the top of the list for me this year will be overcoming self sabotage combined with self doubt.  I hope I learn this lesson this year.  I have a few hours left to get it right.  And, it’s been in my face over the last couple days with a few people around me so I know it’s something I need to pay attention to right now.

I know I am on the cusp of some pretty amazing things in the coming year.  New relationships/partnerships, new business ventures, new experiences to enrich my life with even more meaning than it’s had before.  It’s all scary.  And, my tendency is to self sabotage things that are scary so they go away.  And, I am really good at it. I tell myself I am not capable, I am not worthy, someone else can do it better than me.  But, at the end of the day… NO ONE ELSE IS LIKE ME.  I am UNIQUE.  I should not be comparing myself to anyone else… but me. 

I am ready to change my thoughts in the coming year. 
Here we go, repeat after me:

  • I am unique.  I have characteristics that make me special and different than everyone else, which does not make me less worthy, but rather — even more valuable.
  • I deserve to have all those things that will make my life happy and fulfilled.  And, I deserve to have the right people in my life to share them with, people who appreciate them as much as I do.
  • I love myself because I am unique.   
  • The people who matter will see that I am unique and love me for that reason.  They will accept all the crazy things about me and not criticize, but see my characteristics as interesting and want to experience life with me.  We will challenge each other to push forward in getting the most out of who we are physically, spiritually, and intellectually.
  • I can do anything I set my mind to because I have an amazing team of angels guiding me on my path.  If I did not have the tools to accomplish these tasks, they never would have put me on this path. 
  • I will accept the challenges I face as opportunities to grow and become stronger than ever before. 
  • I will stop allowing my Ego to get in my way to happiness because of self doubt.

I am ready!!  Let’s do this.  Bring on the greatness.  I am standing here with open arms to receive.  I encourage you to open your arms as wide as you can and receive the new year with self assurance and gratefulness for what’s coming.  Believe that all these things are already yours, because they are.  All you have to do is accept them and say thank you.

Love and Light,
Lydia

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Another Year, Another Beginning!

Posted on December 30, 2011 by Florence

As I sit here this morning on the eve of New Year’s Eve with a fresh cup of coffee, I find myself thinking about jumping into the New Year. I really want to flip the calendar page over and jump right into the New Year with both feet. I feel a bit exhilarated about the New Year. You see, I love the thought of a fresh start, a clean slate, a do-over! Last year I made resolutions for the first time. I just looked back over my list to see how I did, where I fell short, what I want to keep on the list from last year and improve upon, what needs to be long forgotten and what needs to be added. I’m super goal oriented, always have been. I love a good task list that I can check off. The ultra competitive me really loves list making and the insecure me really hates it because I don’t like to fail! Yet, this is really a time for me to push myself outside of my comfort zone and into new territory! So, here it goes for 2012…(drum roll here, please!)

• Last year I vowed to clean less and live more! While I did improve last year as I spent less time with a sponge and Clorox in hand, I still worried about it. I suppose I did live more, but I must confess, my head was still cleaning toilets. Blech! So, this year, I will teach my son how to clean his toilet! I will teach him how to clean his bathroom and how to dust his room and while I’m at it, I will teach him how to sort his laundry. My rationale here is that while he is working on his, I can work on mine and we will finish in half the time and then be ready to go live life, right?

• Last year I vowed to care a little less about what others thought of me and also to surround myself with others who let me be me without remorse or apology. As I reflect on this, I did pretty well but I do need to dig my heels in here a bit more. It seems that I may really be a masochist because I kept going back for more from those who drug me, and everyone else, down. Argh! So, here we again, practice makes perfect and this year, I will walk away and do what I love and love what I do. I will spend more time with the people I love and who love me back and less time with those who are pleased only when we are all on the rock bottom!

• Last year I vowed to embrace Facebook rather than run from it. Well, this year I actually posted stuff so I call that improvement! With that said, I must confess, I did post then delete immediately! Yet, progress is progress and to tell the truth, I did enjoy connecting and reconnecting with friends and family and letting them into my world a little bit more! So, I will post a little more and walk away without clicking the delete icon!

• Last year I vowed to speak my mind a little more rather than choke on my words even when I know it needs to be said. The interesting thing about this resolution is that this year I need to add speak less and listen more! I tend to talk just to talk because I don’t like silence. So, I guess I need to clarify this resolution. I vow to talk less and listen more while speaking my truths when I take the gag off of my mouth!

• New to my list this year is a resolution for health and fitness. Last year I was like a roller coaster…up and down, up and down. This year, I really need to stay up! I want to stay up! It’s more than about appearances, although I do love when I can fit into my favorite pair of jeans. It’s more about healthy living. I have this one body and this one life so I want to make sure this body can carry me through! This would probably be a good time to add walking the dogs more as a resolution too. Hey, their good health can be tied to mine, right?!

• Also new to my list this year is to laugh more and to let my hair down! I tend to be very serious. Too serious. I tend to stay buttoned up and rarely let loose. This year I had some moments when I let down my inhibitions and you know what? I liked it. I liked it a lot. I learned the joy of Nerf gun wars with my husband and son and my son’s friends. They dubbed me mama kamakazee and I like that name. There were times when I laughed so hard, I nearly tinkled. Oh yes, I did just say “tinkled”. I had some crazy dance parties with my son. If you have ever seen my dancing, you would know, my dancing is something like Elaine’s from Seinfeld, but my kid doesn’t care. We laughed and we had fun. I knew this had to become a resolution when he wrote a paper about it for school. I never knew how much it meant to him! It also made my hubby laugh and let his metaphorical hair down as well. So, I will sing, dance and shoot Nerf guns more and care a whole lot less about what it looks like or what anyone else thinks!

• Finally, I resolve to open my closet door more. As 2011 closes I realize that I started to open my closet door a little but I never really stepped out of the security of that darkness! By the end of 2012 I want to report back that I swung that door wide open and jumped out with both feet!

I guess like last year, I just want to live. I want to live a fun and love filled life. I want to give more of myself without restriction and without censorship. I want to laugh and laugh hard! I want to love with my whole heart. I want to feel euphoric both physically and mentally and emotionally. I want to swing open that closet door and yell “Hello World… Brace yourself! Here I am!”

Happy New Year friends! May you live 2012 with your closet door wide open!

With Love and Grace,
Florence

Posted in Change, Choice, Courage, Faith, Family, Finding Balance, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Gratitude, inspiration, Joy, Letting Go, Love, Praise, Self, Trust | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Demonstrating Gratefulness through Trust

Posted on December 18, 2011 by Lydia

As someone who writes regularly, the thesaurus has become one of my favorite tools for exploration.  Today I was compelled to examine the word “Trust”.  It is the foundation of a steady stance, a hand to hold in uncertain times, the voice of reason when your head is full of doubt.

According to Webster, the opposite of trust includes doubt, fear, and wonder. I look at those three examples and I understand the uncomfortable feeling of doubt and fear all too well and how it relates to a lack of trust… but, when I think of the word “wonder” it strikes a much more positive chord with me. 

Children are filled with wonder… they tend to turn a lack of trust into a sense of excitement over the unknown.  Christmas brings “wonder” into the eyes of a child each year.  Will Santa remember to visit my house, and what will he leave under my tree?  That excitement fueled by wonder builds in a child’s mind from Halloween all the way up to Christmas morning.

The hardest thing I have found lately is to to trust in myself. I could list a thousand accomplishments on a piece of paper and still have trouble trusting myself. Today I face a place on my path that is scary and overwhelming. My belief has been that once we lose trust in something or someone (including yourself), it is the hardest of all journies to regain.  Compared to the quest of the holy grail, the quest to regain trust appears to be a much bigger challenge in my mind.  But, even a lack of trust can be sparked by a situation that also includes a balance of wonder and faith.

As an adult, I have a hard time trusting in the unknown.  I want to know every detail of what’s ahead and be certain that the future will hold success.  I don’t like to fail.  However, when I look back on my failures I realize that each one has made me stronger.  Each one has given me tools to not make the same mistakes again in the future and the ability to shape my path in more positive directions.

We all are “co-creators” of our own realities.  If we don’t like where we are today, we do have the power to change our situation and affect the outcome in a different way.  This requires trusting ouselves.

I will start today with this mantra:

  • Today and each day is a gift.  I choose to make the most of that gift. 
  • Today I will show my gratitude for the life I have been given to experience. 
  • I will not be afraid, but will trust that whatever I face today is an experience designed just for me.
  • I will not waste my minutes with doubt, but will trust that I have been given everything I need to succeed. 
  • There are big plans for me and I am ready to face them with vigor.
  • Not everyone will support my choices, but I am ok with that outcome because I choose to be on the path that was chosen for me.
  • I trust in myself. 
  • I trust in my guides and angels. 
  • I trust in the Higher Power to lift me up if I start to slide toward doubting my abilities.
  • I know that I will have everything I need in the time that I need it, and everything that happens is for the greater good.
  • I deserve to have this success because it will allow me to give back exponentially.

This is one of my life challenges and I am ready to overcome it today.  I am ready to trust.

Love and Light,
Lydia 

Posted in Choice, Courage, Faith, Life Path, Trust | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment